Starbucks, Lesbians and Barney's

Dear Diary,

For the first time in several days, I saw William walking out and about in the living room. It was such an eerie sight to see him out of his bedroom that I thought it was a ghost at first. When he caught sight of me, he looked surprised and mumbled ‘hello’ and then shuffled back into his room. Bizarro!

At 9.30am, I left the apartment and went to Starbucks for my morning caffeine hit, and who should I see but fatso McBitchly Anne Beeker. Seeing her walk through the door and navigating around innocent coffee lovers was like watching a rendition of the Stay Puff man from Ghostbusters trudge through Manhattan’s clustered buildings. When she got to the counter to order her chocolate frappuccino with extra cream or whatever it was that fed those generous love handles, she leaned over and twirled her hair. She was flirting. With the Starbucks girl. Oh my god.

Anne Beeker is a lesbo?

Before I let my head spin wildly with ideas for sinister projects, I decided it was wise to do a little more research first and snoop around for more clues. I needed more concrete evidence that proved Anne Beeker was in the closet. But alas, a different sort of closet desperately required my attention – my own.

You see, I hadn’t been shopping in a week and a half and my wardrobe was fast becoming dated. I called upon Laura for a little girly shopping expedition along with some serious gossip and we headed straight to Barneys. After four hours of dedicated consumerism and debating whether Anne liked girls, I found a lovely Chanel clutch, two pairs of Louboutins, a Lanvin dress and decided project Anne Beeker would begin tomorrow. I would be lying if I told you I was not looking forward to it.

By the way, does the fact that Anne wears plaid corroborate my argument or is that just a blatant unfounded stereotype? I’m not sure if plaid even belongs to lesbians anymore considering how Brooklyn hipsters don’t seem to wear any other type of upper garment. I think it’s a shared domain. Anyhow, I’d better start planning this outing and I need a good night’s rest as I have a romantic date with Alistair tomorrow!

Until then,


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